It’s Not About Me - Understanding Relationships
“A strand of red and a strand of white are woven together in beauty and happiness. Do you see my meaning?”
“Yes I see it. A mother and a father.”
“Right Boss, or a man and a woman, or two women, two men, it doesn’t matter. Two people come together and weave a life. Their bond is secure and tight. But just like this scarf, life pulls and tugs on the strands of connection and they begin to loosen. If they were knit really tightly it may take more tugging but eventually life will pull on this scarf.”
Zorba tries to help Kaylee and Flip see that the fabric of connection between two people is an affair that typically begins before the birth of a child. Often a child adds color and strength to the weave of a relationship, but life still tugs on that fabric and strands pull apart and for some may eventually separate. How each of us responds when life tugs on us in relationship is much less about our partners or our children than we may realize.
When our ‘marriages’ begin to come apart how do we explain it to our children, and to ourselves. So often in marriage there is blame. One partner feels unsatisfied, unseen, not cared for while another may feel they are not enough, blamed and nagged for every action or non-action they take. This kind of blaming and isolation can rip at the heart of our connection so deeply that we may choose not to find our way back to the real work involved in keeping dialogue and meaning open and clear.
I shouldn’t have to tell you I want to go out, Fenton. It’s my birthday. You could have planned something in advance rather than waiting for me to ask.
In my practice in life I remind myself often that the feelings another person have are not actually about me. Regardless of the fact that their words, and actions my appear otherwise, the emotions that a partner demonstrates are simply a reflection of what’s going on within themselves. Flip’s mother is disappointed that her husband didn’t plan something for her birthday. That disappointment may have started five years back when Fenton forgot to bring her flowers on Mother’s Day, or perhaps he routinely overlooks things that are important to Shiela on a regular basis. Shiela holds on to that hurt and disappointment and may even begin to look for the ways in which her husband disappoints her, or doesn’t care about her. Fenton is called out on these things regularly until he’s so afraid he’s going to ‘do the wrong thing’ that he becomes paralyzed and does nothing over and over.
But if we pull it apart, drop blame and all the stories that find their way into the connection between Fenton and Shiela we see that Shiela’s disappointment is her business. She can take responsibility for her need to be celebrated in a certain way on her birthday. She can ask for what she needs, and not believe the story she has that if Fenton doesn’t plan a birthday activity for her it’s because he is self-centered and doesn’t really care about her. Fenton might not be able to show up in the ways Shiela wants. Sometimes we just don’t see things that others think we should and that is disappointing to them. What may be difficult for us, and our children to see is that in fact we don’t disappoint another person. They assign a story and meaning to an interaction or event and their emotions follow. They may lash out, or shut down in response to those emotions. Years of un-investigated stories add up and we begin to wall ourselves into a place of believing what we think rather than taking the time to check in with one another to inquire about what might be true.
It is unlikely that our children will be able to understand the complexities of this kind of layering of emotion and story. And when they hear statements like, ‘Your father is just too wrapped up in himself to even acknowledge my birthday,’ or ‘I can never do anything right in your mother’s eyes, she’s always nagging at me,’ these statements of blame only serve to confuse a child. Who are they supposed to be angry with? Whose side should they take. Someone must be to blame, which one do they believe.
Being mindful of the language we use within ourselves will help serve both our relationships and our children. Next time you have a conflict with a partner be curious. Don’t go right to the story that fits and validates your feelings. Question it!
‘He doesn’t care about me. If he loved me he would show it by planning something for my birthday.’ When these statements are investigated with an open heart it might look like this: I am disappointed that Fenton forgot my birthday. What does it mean about our relationship that he forgot my birthday? Does it mean he doesn’t care about me? Are there ways that I can see he does care about me?
And here’s another story to investigate: ‘My marriage failed.’ When we come together with another person, make a life, start a family we embark on many new and wonderful and challenging adventures. We grow within ourselves along the way. If at some point we decide we no longer feel the way we want to being in that relationship, we may decide to go our separate ways. We can do this with blame or with love. We might look at ways to celebrate all that was born and enjoyed over the years and turn it around. ‘My marriage was a smashing success.’ Perhaps then we will feel that truth and our separating will be kinder, and more loving in an effort to cradle all that was good between us. Perhaps!
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:
1. When your disappointed, or your feelings are hurt because of something that happened between you and a family member or friend, do you assign blame for those feelings to the other person?
2. Can you see any disadvantages in blaming someone else for the feelings you have inside? Can someone else really make you feel a certain way?