What Does It Mean: Your Child Doesn’t Ask About Their Birth Family
My thoughts and my words have tied themselves into a knot. Find my family? … The knot wraps itself around my wanting and the fear of asking. I think about Dad, and the look of disappointment in his eyes the other day. Or Mom sitting across from him with Kaylee’s arms around her, assuring her that we did care about disappointing her. What would they think if I suddenly took an interest in knowing my birth family? What would it mean about my love for them? About my place in the crumbling structure of our family?
What does it mean when an adopted child expresses interest in finding their birth family? More importantly, what does it mean when they don’t?
Children of adoption at some point in their lives will most likely wonder about their birth family. Do I look like my mother or my father? Do I have siblings? Why did my parents place me for adoption? The questions are endless. Assuming that the child knows they are adopted, it is difficult to imagine that at least a few of these questions don’t come up from time to time.
For some families of adoption a child’s desire to know may bring up fear and hurt. Why do they want to know? Are we, their adoptive parents, not enough? If they want to find their birth mother will they then want to return to her? Will this bring up even more trauma and emotion than already exists? These fears are certainly understandable, and the reality is our children have two birth parents and an entire lineage of people with whom they are connected by ancestry that they may one day want to meet and it doesn’t have to mean anything about us as adoptive parents.
So what does it mean if your child has not expressed an interest in knowing? When we as parents openly discuss our children’s birth family or the possible questions our children have we are sending them a message that it is okay for them to ask questions, and to be curious. If we remain silent when they do because we assume they are not thinking about it or don’t want to know we may be sending them the message that it is not a topic we want to discuss. Your adopted child may not bring it up because they don’t want to hurt you. Their need to protect you may over ride their need to ask and to know. They also may not know how to bring up the topic of their original family. If we open the discussion for them we are letting them know they do not need to protect us.
Sliding Into Home brings up many difficult issues that at times families would rather not discuss: Flip’s sense of being physically different than his adoptive family, curiosity about his family in Guatemala, and what his life would be like if he were there. His longing to belong to a tribe that looks like him - ‘his people’. Flip’s concern that his desire to know may bring into question his love for his parents and his place in the family is real. The truth is, Flip is questioning these very things himself. And because he doesn’t feel he is able to bring it up with his family for fear of hurting them he is left alone to question these things. As parents we want to encourage our children to come to us with questions and concerns.
There are many ways to begin the conversation with your child. Coming from a place of curiosity, and wonder is often a gentle way to begin: “I wonder if you ever think about your birth family? I’m curious if you have any questions about your original family. I don’t know a great deal, but if you would like me to share what I do know I’d be happy to. Mother’s Day is coming up, I wonder if you would like to light a candle, or place a flower for your birthmother on the breakfast table that day?” What you are saying to your child by asking these questions is, I love you and I am willing to embrace all of you, your heritage, your ancestry, and your original family. That is a message our children can relax into and remember when the time comes to ask the hard questions.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
1. Do you find yourself thinking about your birth family often? If so, when.
2. Do you find yourself feeling uncomfortable when speaking about your birth family with your parents? If so, do you know why?