I Was Not Born a Bully
Things you don’t hear people saying as they look adoringly at your new born infant, or blossoming baby:
"Oh my, look at her eyes, they have the makings of a bully. Oh dear his forehead – that’s a clear sign of a baby who will be a bully. He’s such a big boy – he’s going to be a bully for sure. She has the voice of a bully, can you hear it.”
Bullies are not born, they are a result of circumstance. Denis Sukhodolsky PhD from the Yale Medicine Child Study Center says that one in four children in the USA is bullied. The health challenges linked with bullying do not only apply to those who are being bullied. Studies show that those who are bullied and the bullies themselves have both physical and mental health related challenges such as low self-esteem, obesity, anxiety, and depression.
In Sliding Into Home, Flip refers to the impact Steve’s bullying has on his own self- esteem:
“I work even harder to stay away from Steve for the rest of the day. When I get up from the table at lunch I feel my shin throb. I head for the bathroom. Under my pants leg the bruise is dark, and the bump on my shin looks like a painted Easter egg.
“Idiot, jerk,” I say, but it doesn’t help with the pain. I wish I had some ice.
Later that night at Dad’s when he asks about the game I want to tell him what happened but I’m embarrassed. I know it’s not my fault, the way Steve feels about me, but I feel dirty all over.”
We are given a small window into Steve’s life when we meet his father who appears to be a bully and a racist himself. Flip’s mother notices this right away:
“That man is a bully. If his son is a racist it’s because his father taught him to be. People learn to be racist Flip. It’s not something you’re born to be. That boy has been pumped full of his father’s rhetoric for years. That’s what I meant by poor boy. He’d have to be crazy or braver than any child could be to stand up to the likes of that man!”
I see an image of Steve’s spare rib fingers and curled kitten hands sitting in a nervous bundle on his lap. I want to hate him, but I know my mother’s right.
“Maybe his dad taught him how to be a racist, but he learned to be an idiot creep on his own.” I’m not ready to let poor Steve off the hook completely.”
Is Steve’s behavior learned? Is he attempting to make his father proud by targeting Flip as a Latino? Is he just repeating the cycle of abuse and intimidation? What motivates Steve to be a bully?
Some bullies have impaired social and emotional development. They have difficulties with anger management and aggression. There may be an inability to decode a situation properly which leads to a snap judgement or aggressive behavior on the part of the bully. Early trauma can create some of these responses as well as parenting styles.
Bullying is an attempt to gain superiority or control over another. A bully may have been bullied themselves. They may have a hard time fitting in and they may feel ridiculed and marginalized at home or by peers. If a child is raised in an abusive home with a parent who is a bully, the abuse cycle may be carried on through the child’s behavior. Victims of bullying want to gain control in order not to be victimized again, bullying is their way of trying to gain some social control.
How do we best help the bullied and the bully? First we must see them both as people who have been harmed. It is often difficult to have compassion for the person committing the harmful act, but not to do so only perpetuates the cycle of hatred, misunderstanding, and aggression. Punishing a bully only serves to wound their self esteem, and marginalize them further. How might we find a way to see beyond their actions, and into their pain. What message is the bully trying to convey? How might we let them know we feel their pain, and help them get their needs met in a different way?
OPPORTUNITIES FOR REFLECTION
Sitting in safe restorative circles is one way to address the needs of both the bullied and the bully. Here are a few other helpful ideas that might be put in place to help change the way the bully uses power and control:
First, if consequences are used make sure they are designed to teach not to punish!
Find a way through art, writing or collage to get the bully to express what they think the bullied person feels.
Have the bully research bullying and its impact on individuals and society.
Have the bully interview adults who have been bullied in their lives.
Watch a movie about bullying and have a discussion about the impact bullying had on the people in the film.
Have the bully notice incidences of bullying in the media and how it impacts society and how it feels to them to watch it.
In order to stop the cycle of pain that comes from being bullied or being a bully we will need to find a way to help those impacted by both to feel compassion and empathy for one another.