Having a Say and Holding Compassion

Recently my son was targeted and bullied at school. The offending student had a history of harming my son both physically and now with words and deeds. My son was afraid of this student and no longer trusted the school could keep him safe after three consecutive incidents in the space of a few days. Our school has no restorative justice system in place at all. I wish it did. Because this student had a history of violence with my son, and because we endured several assaults the year before, I decided to take my concerns for my son’s safety to the superintendent of the schools. The bullying was prejudice motivated and of a very personal nature. It was designed to harm and humiliate my son and due to the offending student’s personal challenges I believed the bullying would not end and that the school was incapable of keeping this student away from my son. In the subsequent weeks during the investigation I was proven correct.

When we are harmed, humiliated, bullied or harassed we may have several responses. For some revenge and retaliation may give a sense of empowerment in a situation where one feels disempowered and wronged. For others seeking revenge through the justice system with hopes of punishment might feel like the best way to resolve the issue. If we allow ourselves to feel the hurt and sadness of being harmed by another human being rather than only going to a place of anger, we may seek to understand why someone would want to harm us.  

In Sliding Into Home, when Flip first realized he was being targeted by Steve he was confused. He’d had no previous history or contact with Steve and couldn’t imagine why he would dislike him before they’d even met. When the bullying continued and became physical and racist in nature Flip became angry and afraid. Flip’s camp did not have a restorative justice model in place and Flip’s humiliation prevented him from reaching out to adults for help. Flip’s pent up emotions resulted in his physically lashing out at Steve. What became very clear to Flip in this process was that he wanted to find his own resolution with Steve. He didn’t want the camp to intervene with a resolution that took away his need to be involved and empowered. (See previous blog entry with Cassidy Friedman – Circles - for more discussion about how the restorative justice process might have benefitted both Steve and Flip in this situation).  

The district took my concerns seriously and hired a private investigator to look into the situation. My son was questioned and re-triggered by the questioning. He became enraged, frustrated, and felt helpless in the face of what felt like a lack of support from the school and fear that the bullying would not end. He sat with his school counselor for a time in order to calm down. While doing so he took it upon himself to search the internet for a complaint form against his school. His counselor printed it for him and he filled it out. This may seem like a small gesture, but in fact it enabled him to feel heard and gave him the opportunity to tell his story. He spent several hours that day filling out his form, researching his rights online – looking on the ACLU website, and ultimately reading the district’s policies on bullying. He was empowered and energized by this. He came home with a clear plan. He wanted to send his form and the information he’d researched with the district’s policies on bullying to the superintendent. What was remarkable to me in all of this was my son’s ability to access his compassion and caring for the other student. He was aware of their challenges and felt above all that they needed help. He did not want the student to be punished. He wanted the bullying to end. He wanted to feel safe at school. And he wanted the offender to get the help they needed. He also wanted to understand how someone could be as cruel as they had been. This was the piece that hurt him the most. Sadly, this was the piece that didn’t get answered because there is no restorative justice in place at our school. I asked my son if he would have been willing to sit in circle with the student who harmed him. He said no. He didn’t feel safe. He didn’t trust the school or the student. This is the heart of how restorative justice works. Building relationship in a circle of trust.  

I have gratitude for the school’s efforts to keep my son safe. I have gratitude to the superintendent for truly caring about the situation. I hope one day restorative justice will be put in place in our schools so that our students can feel empowered and find resolution through listening and understanding one another. In the meantime, I am deeply proud of my son for finding not only his voice, but for staying in a place of compassion and caring for someone who in his heart he knew was crying out for help.