Divorce: An Interview With Maria Freebairn-Smith

 Sliding Into Home is a book about race, adoption, and divorce. In my interview with Ellen Bruno we heard about what divorce felt like from the child’s perspective, as well as Ellen’s own personal experience as a child of divorce, and as a parent who separated from her kids’ father. (Divorce: An Interview with Ellen Bruno)  

 Today I’d like to look at divorce from the perspective of the parents, and how they might best go about getting their needs met as individual adults while still holding family connection together.  

  Divorce impacts everyone in the family in some way. For the parents it may be a relief, while also a loss. For children it brings up a host of both emotional and logistical issues. For children of adoption it may trigger the loss, and abandonment that is often a part of the adoptive child’s inner landscape.  

 Even today, divorce has stigma attached to it. In an earlier article here, It’s Not About Me – Understanding Relationship I explore the possibility that separation or divorce do not have to be seen as failure:  

And here’s another story to investigate: “My marriage failed.” When we come together with another person, make a life,  and start a family we embark on many new adventures. We grow within ourselves along the way. If at some point we decide we no longer feel the way we want to being in that relationship we may decide to go our separate ways. We can do this with blame or with love. We might look at ways to celebrate all that was born and enjoyed over the years and turn it around. “My marriage was a smashing success.” Perhaps then we will feel that truth and our separating will be kinder, and more loving in an effort to cradle all that was good between us.   

Here to speak with us about her work with parents and families of divorce is Maria Freebairn-Smith.  She has personally traversed the rocky terrain of divorce, and currently lives in Sebastopol, CA raising her two beautiful boys with the help of her co-parenting partner. Maria Freebairn-Smith is the founder of the Creative Parenting Center where parents receive support and resources to meet their children’s needs and stay aligned with their family’s values as they go through conflict, separation and divorce. With a heart-centered, inquiry-based approach, Maria empowers families to move from anger and power struggles to honest communication and kind connection. Maria's work encourages positive, cooperative choices and creative solutions.

NV:  Hi Maria, thank you for taking the time to do this interview with me. Could you tell us a little bit about your work with families of divorce, and how your personal relationship to divorce may have influenced your perspectives.

MFS:  As difficult as divorce can be it also holds the possibility of deepening one’s commitment to one’s family values and visions. In some ways, when the outer form of marriage dissolves, it is even more necessary to clarify what your values are as a family and what you are aiming for in terms of a positive vision. This is the work I do with parents who are separating or divorcing. In the midst of what can be the greatest pain people feel in a lifetime, in the midst of the storms,  I try to support parents to find a rudder for their boat. Our love for our children is often the thing that steadies us. So, first and foremost, my work is about giving parents this frame as a lifeline that they can hold onto when things get really rough.

My own parents divorced when I was 4 years old and it was wrought with all the pain, uncertainty and tension that comes with the territory. However, they did find a way rather quickly to celebrate our birthdays together and a few years in to also share time during holidays. Over the years this interwoven fabric of our divorced family grew stronger and when both my parents remarried/re-partnered our family simply grew in size around the holiday table. When I faced divorce myself, these core values and visions of restitching the fabric was deeply inside me, thanks to my parents, and I was able over time to make that happen in my immediate family.  

NV: What are some of the things you encourage parents to look at and work towards in your sessions?

MFS:  Along with the larger work of visioning and values setting, a lot about divorce is learning how to have skillful conversations around needs and agreements. Often, it’s the very lack of this skill (communicating and listening effectively) that has led to the divorce. I guess that is the irony, that sometimes through divorce we learn the very tools that would have saved our marriage and sometimes it does. But even if it doesn’t, the most important thing is not whether we are married or divorced, but that we model for our children respectful interactions, effective communication and most of all kindness.  

A great teacher of mine really helped me understand that the adults in children’s lives are truly extensions of themselves until they individuate fully (in their early 20’s in this culture). So when one parent attacks the other, it actually feels to the children that they are being attacked. That is why you will often see young children scream “Stop! Stop fighting!” when their parents are disagreeing in front of them. Children’s hearts break when we are unkind to each other.

NV:  I imagine your work with parents and families is a different journey each and every time. You are going into very personal, vulnerable and complex layers of relationship to self, partner and children. Is there any one journey that you’ve been on with a family member that taught you something about relationship you didn’t know?

MFS:  What a beautiful question. In my mediation training with Gary Friedman and Catherine Conner of The Center for Understanding in Conflict, they would always say, “the people sitting in front of you have the best solution to their family’s situation or problem, it’s not yours to solve.” This stuck with me, I say that with each and every family with whom I work. I start with, “I am here to listen to you deeply, for all of us to listen deeply to each other so solutions can emerge. So, really, each family teaches me something remarkable - they show me over and over again the inexhaustible and abundant power of the human spirit to find solutions and make connections. I am always intrigued when people are “stuck” as it challenges me to listen even deeper to what is not being said.  

More specifically, I would say that one family comes to mind. They had two children and divorced and then both re-partnered and each had one more child with their new partners. That is a lot of relationships! There was even the history (which is common) where one of the new partners entered into the scene before they divorced, so there was jealousy, mistrust and anger. And yet, they have consistently and doggedly found ways to remake themselves into a larger family and to grow together building relationships across the divides. They have had to work hard and really commit to self-reflection and even spiritual growth to do it. As much as they wouldn’t have “chosen” this path they have all chosen to grow and change together instead of stagnating in resentment. It’s a family that I hold in my heart as an example of successful family re-formation.

NV:  In Sliding Into Home Flip watches as his parents navigate the new form their relationship has taken. He notices this both literally and metaphorically as his father is leaving his mother’s house:  

I wait for the sound of his car in the driveway I peek out the window and see Mom has to move her car so he can get out of the driveway. They don’t hug goodbye or wave to each other. They just get in their separate cars and move out of each other’s way.

Can you talk a bit about the importance of how children see their parents interact after they have separated, and how that impacts them?

MFS:  This is probably the most important area to focus on when going through divorce. I help parents structure how, when and where they interact just to maximize the likelihood of positive interactions in front of their children. I have them practice actually speaking appreciations, no matter how small, so they can do that in front of their children. This relates to what I said before about how children experience their parents as parts of themselves. Also, they wonder if the love that created them is gone, and therefore that they are not wanted. So, showing at the least, basic respect for each other and at the most love and appreciation for your co-parent is one of the most positively impactful things parents can do for their children during divorce. It’s a tall order when we are hurt and angry as parents, but strangely, whether you give or receive appreciation, it’s the same physiological state that gets experienced, not only for the adults but for the children too. Some parents have an easier time doing this not in the presence of the partner, and that works too. Letting children know what you appreciate about your co-parent in whatever way you can, whenever you can.

NV:  After their family separated and formed itself in new ways, Flip and Kaylee’s parents became very busy in their work lives – trying to keep their heads above water financially. The kids experienced the loss of family, and connection with each of their parents. Were you given a window into their lives and Shiela and Fenton Simpson showed up in your office how would you guide them? What invitation would you extend to them?

MFS:  There is no getting around the financial duress that divorce can cause and the resulting increase in hours at work. First I would extend my compassion and understanding to Shiela and Fenton. I often do a self-care crash course with parents when they are divorcing. There is a paradigm shift that has to happen, given that longer swaths of time to do self-care might not be available. So, I encourage parents to think of a bite-size “grab and go” model of self-care. Sometimes it’s just 5-minutes in the car before coming in the front door at the end of the workday, relaxing and breathing. Sometimes it’s just stopping and having a cup of tea or other small comforting rituals-maybe a bath. But the best way to “grab” bites of self-care when there isn’t time, is to learn how to do it with your children! Which is great modeling for them. Another great mentor of mine, Effie Kuriloff, who actually ran a cooperative parent-participation preschool where parents could be onsite to learn from her, asked me once when I was interacting with my son, Jonah, “Are you comfortable?” Of course, I wasn’t. I was stressed and tense, trying to resolve a conflict he was having with another child. She suggested, “get comfortable.” I sat down, relaxed, took a breath, and low and behold they solved their issue with my gentle help. Meanwhile, I took care of myself.  

Also, I would guide them to be very present at key moments for their children. The first 30-minutes to an hour when a child goes from one house to the other can set the tone for hours or days. I strongly recommend that you be completely present and available to your children when they come to you. If they don’t feel this presence, they will follow you around until they get it. They need it like food. Or they will give up on trying to get it, which is even more sad. Just clear your decks when you come home from work. Once they get a little drink of you, they will be fine to move into other activities, if not, then they need more of you and have them by your side, helping with dinner, or whatever the next task is that needs doing.

NV:  When Kaylee tells Zorba that her parents have divorced and she and Flip feel it is their fault Zorba pulls out some yarn and a scarf and weaves a loving explanation for how divorce is not about the kids but rather about the fabric of a couple’s relationship. Are there any other metaphors you might have that would help a child understand divorce?

MFS:  It’s not quite a metaphor, but it’s something that was told to me when I went through divorce, which is that the love that you felt for your partner cannot be taken away. Love doesn’t work that way, it’s actually always present, an unbreakable truth, an unending resource of the heart like forgiveness. A friend of mine, when he was dying, asked me to remind his daughter of one thing (by the way he was also divorced) and that was “Remind her that Love is all there is, especially when she is struggling or afraid.” There is a beautiful book about divorce called “Storms can’t hurt the Sky: A Buddhist Path Through Divorce” by Gabriel Cohen. It’s the same idea, teaching adults and children to point their attention to that which is below the anger and the hurt - which is love. It’s helpful to teach children how to find this place inside, to remind them that they are whole and complete deep down inside. Sometimes parents really worry about how they are “harming and scarring their children, or even giving them lifetime patterns to work on.” I ask them, “have you ever met an adult who doesn’t have patterns from their parents and childhood?” It’s okay, it is what happens but hopefully we can also teach children that they are more than their patterns. They are living expressions of love.  

NV:  For children of adoption divorce can be a trigger for old wounds related to the loss of an original parent or family. Do you have any suggestions for parents with children of adoption that might help address these wounds?

.MFS:  This is a very big challenge and such an important place to focus our love and attention. The only way to address past trauma when it’s triggered is to stabilize children’s physiology. We can get caught up in trying to explain or use words, but the bottom line is that until the child’s nervous system resets itself it can’t “reason” it’s way out of a triggered state. Interestingly, parents of course get triggered too so everyone has to learn how to de-escalate. Listening and reflecting is the best way to use language when someone is triggered, and having discussions about what helps when the trigger isn’t happening. Make a plan, discuss tools. If it’s anger, how can we channel it, punching bags, digging, screaming into a pillow. But really, it’s more important to calm the child then to express emotions, since that can fuel the biochemical flooding that is happening. Some children responded to physical grounding, rubbing their feet, their legs. Others can’t tolerate touch at all. The best we can do is to try to expand our tool kit. Mindfulness practices can help.  

It’s also really important to celebrate when children find something that works, this is their resilience starting to take hold and they need encouragement, no matter how small the success is.

NV:  Do you have any thoughts about Sliding Into Home as it pertains to parents of divorce?

MFS:  I think Sliding Into Home captures beautifully the inner world of children, especially as they go through divorce. Often children do find an adult figure who helps them get perspective, not always someone as colorful and magical as Zorba, although I can think of few who compare from my childhood. If not a person, I think it’s really important for children to have creative places to express their feelings, Zorba really embodied the creative spirit and the power of creative expression - sometimes to his own demise, but he played such an important role in their lives.

NV:  Thank you Maria for your creativity and expertise. I see your work as so very important to the birth of a new paradigm for families of divorce. You are truly a divorce midwife – helping to bring the possibility of something meaningful and special into the lives of those families you touch.  

MFS:  Thank you Nina, for the support you are giving to families and the perspective you bring, it is invaluable