Divorce: An Interview With Ellen Bruno Director of ‘Split’

Sliding Into Home moves quickly into the story’s narrative on divorce. Flip is extremely aware of the ways in which his parents are not getting along and yet even with this awareness, the news that his parents are splitting up sends a rocket of emotion through his body.

When Flip’s dad tells him he and his mother can no longer live together because they “don’t love each other that way anymore” Flip responds by saying, “What does that even mean? How do you decide one day that you don’t love someone, or that you don’t want to live together anymore?”  

In some ways, divorce is an adult matter. It requires the experience of being in relationship in order to really understand why not continuing the relationship may be necessary. Because Flip lacks that experience, he feels the divorce of his parents is something that is happening to him, and in his mind even possibly because of him.  

Flip grieves the small ways in which he will no longer experience his father in his home. “I want to hear him whistling in the bathroom. I want to sit with him at breakfast as he reads the baseball stats over pancakes or waffles. I want to hear him say, “alrighty-o kiddo, I’ll see you later,” as he walks out the door, knowing that I will.”

Divorce for all kids is loss. For Flip that loss entwines itself with the thread of grief that is already so commonly wound around the hearts of children of adoption and it pulls him into an abyss. Trying to understand divorce from the perspective of the child is so important. Children have their own stories about why their parents are no longer together.

Ellen Bruno is the director of the award winning film SPLIT: Divorce Through Kids’ Eyes. Here are some of her thoughts about children, divorce, and Sliding Into Home.

NV:  Thanks Ellen for reading Sliding Into Home and taking the time to speak with me. What prompted you to make a film about divorce?

EB:  My parents divorced and at that time divorce wasn’t as common as it is now. The belief at the time that not talking about it was the way to take care of the family actually left us feeling isolated and afraid as children. When no one gives you a narrative or point of reference to understand why this is happening to your family, you fill the vacuum with stories that can be truly damaging. My parents went along with this belief and, as a consequence, I felt isolated and ashamed. Divorce became my dirty little secret because there was no information to normalize my experience.

When I got divorced, even though it is much more common today that when my parents divorced, I still felt a sense of shame and isolation. No one in our community was talking about divorce openly. As a society we are not doing a good job of normalizing and communicating among ourselves and to our children about divorce. We need to encourage our children to have conversations about divorce.

NV:  What surprised you in your interviews about divorce with the children in your film?

EB:  What surprised me was that there were clear and consistent themes. Kids think divorce is their fault. Families by nature are child-centric and so when the family falls apart almost universally kids believe or consider it as their fault.

Another theme is the fact that most kids want to fix it. They spend an enormous amount of energy scheming and strategizing ways to get their parents back together. They may even act out as a way to bring them together.  They want to get their parents back together again, to fix what is broken so they themselves can feel whole again.   

Kids try to make sense of their parents splitting up. The silence leaves them in a vacuum and they find evidence to support their worst fears. The stories they create bind them to long-term suffering and pain. Positive framing, how we model and talk about divorce in real terms, impacts the child’s story and helps them heal.

Another universal theme was that of the children yearning, needing to have a sense of home with both parents. Leaving their primary home or establishing new homes altogether contributes to their sense of family and self being broken.

NV:  Do you have any comments or thoughts about Sliding Into Home as it applies to your experiences as the Director of SPLIT and as a parent and child of divorce?

EB:  Yes. Sliding Into home did a realistic job talking about the way Flip and Kay Lee were dealing with the divorce. The way it spoke to the preciousness around time spent with the parent the kids see less was important. Flip’s need to manage his time with his dad, and how he had to make a choice between two things that are important to him is a very accurate depiction of what happens for kids in divorce. This is something I don’t think parents always understand. Kids of divorce are being asked to manage their own schedules with their parents and they often have to make choices and give up something in order to have time with one parent or the other.  

I was also thankful that Sliding Into Home acknowledged the economic realities that occur because of divorce. This has a profound impact on families. Flip and Kaylee’s mom has to work overtime to manage this new economic hardship. She and her children suffer from this. Mom can’t be home, dad has to work jobs away from his kids in order to support two households. Kids notice this. I found this very valuable because it’s not spoken about enough.  

So few of these stories are told from the kids’ perspective. To have this story told from the perspective of these two kids is hugely valuable because the story will resonate with kids more and have a greater impact than it might otherwise if it were told by an adult. Kids will read this and say, “This kid is like me. He found the inner resources to survive this, maybe I will too.” Ultimately even though it’s tough, Flip and Kaylee made it through. This encourages kids, and gives them hope. This kind of honesty will have great value for kids.

NV:  Where can parents and kids find your film SPLIT: Divorce Through Kids’ Eyes?

EB: Go to:  splitfilm.org

Thank you Ellen for taking the time to speak with me about Sliding Into Home, and divorce.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

1. Do you think Flip’s parents did a good job of helping him and his sister to understand the reasons for their separation? Explain.

2. Kaylee started making up stories about why her family was moving. Why do you think she did this?